A Startled Realization
by thewinchesterlifestyle
Summary: Dean realizes exactly why he's so upset. Why Cas finally getting laid isn't what he wanted. Why it is far from what he wanted. But it takes Cas for anything to actually happen and even then Dean is still stuck in his head. Written for a Prompt: How do you think a first kiss or realization (or declaration) of feelings would happen, in canon. (set in season nine somewhere)


Disclaimer: If you recognize it then I don't own it.

Pairing: Cas/Dean

* * *

This shouldn't be happening. He should be _happy _for Cas. The guy had his grace stolen, thrust down into humanity with the rest of them and he had _finally _gotten laid. Something Dean had once tried to help him with years ago and the only thing Dean can focus on is this sick feeling in his stomach. How instead of pride he is feeling something else. Pain.

Green eyes glance up at Cas's frowning face and Dean can see his mouth moving but he isn't paying attention to the words. She had managed to leave a mark on Cas's neck and Cas was now staring down at his hands as he spoke.

Physical evidence of what had happened.

Dean just sits there while Cas continues talking, blue eyes flicking up to see if he's still listening before dropping back down to his hands, while Dean sits there mute. Tries to figure out _why _this is bothering him so much.

_I need you._

The words flash across his mind and Dean starts. Blinks and doesn't want to think about it. How much it had _hurt _to stare up at Cas and see that blankness staring back. The sting he'd felt at a temporary betrayal and the crushing relief when Cas had explained another angel was controlling him.

Cas stops talking and the silence is deafening. He's staring at Dean and now there is concern there. Dean opens his mouth and closes it. Struggles for words and looking at Cas it hits him way too fucking hard. Takes the air from his lungs and his mind is flying.

This isn't right.

It's Cas. The _angel _who had pulled him out of Hell. But he knew what happened to Cas if he stuck with Dean as a human. Dean would drag him down into the muck and ruin him.

"Dean?" and now there is a hand touching his shoulder. Warmth bleeding through the fabric and it is so real. How had he developed feelings for Cas? When had that even happened?

_Where's the angel?_

Cas wouldn't return them. Every single time he had ended up with a woman. He'd kissed Meg. The future version had orgies with tons of women. As Emmanuel he'd been married to a woman and now he'd just had sex with another. Clearly Cas preferred women.

"_Dean_?" it was more insistent and the hand tightened on his shoulder.

Blinking he looked up and offered a halfhearted smile, "Sorry Cas. Spaced out." but Cas _knew _him better than that.

"Dean." he pauses and Dean can see how Cas decides not to press further. To go a different path, "I just want to leave." his voice is softer and Dean turns away. Stares out the Impala's windshield and _hates _that nameless woman because he hadn't bothered to listen for her name. Dean wishes he didn't hate her but she had something he wasn't sure he would ever get. For a brief moment she'd had Cas. Had the potential to have something more with him.

He starts the engine and cusses himself. _Why the fuck would you go and fall in love with an angel? Son of a bitch._

It takes several months before all those bottled emotions come to a head. Before Dean can't bite back the question that has been tormenting him ever since Cas had started living with them in the bunker for good.

"So when are you leaving?" it comes off casual and Sam holds his breath. Stares at Dean and then at Cas who has slowly turned to regard his brother. Blue eyes blink and a frown tugs at Cas's lips. But Sam doesn't say anything. It's clearly between his brother and the fallen angel.

"Leaving?" there is a confused note to Cas's voice and he turns in the seat. Simply stares at Dean and then tilts his head.

"Yeah. You never stick around long." Dean pauses for a moment, "This is the longest you've stayed."

Now Cas is actively frowning and then his features smooth out, "I'm not leaving." He says it plainly as though it is the most obvious thing in the world.

A snort escapes and Dean's shoulders hunch slightly. Anyone else might not notice it but Sam does. He raises an eyebrow and forces himself not to say something. Because it is only going to make things worse in the long run. He's learned that over the years and this isn't something he needs to interrupt. "Sure you're not. You'll find something better. Find someone to settle down with." There is a slight bitter note to the words as Dean turns away from Cas and focuses on the plate in front of him. Holds his fork tightly between his fingers.

There are far better places to have this conversation but Dean chose a diner. He simply stares at his food and realizes he's lost his appetite. The pie doesn't even sound good at the moment.

"Why would I do that?" Cas touches his shoulder and Dean glances over to see a soft expression on Cas's face. The fallen angel is more expressive since he gained his new humanity and sometimes Dean wishes that wasn't so.

"Because that's what people do, Cas. They find someone they love and settle down with them. Have kids. The whole apple pie life." He stabs the pie with his fork but doesn't bother to take the bite.

Sam is shaking his head and leaning back in his seat. He is a second away from reaching across the table to smack the back of Dean's head but figures that really won't go over well in public.

"But I have."

And now Sam is fighting a grin. Truthfully he's been waiting for this but never had he expected to be there. It is impossible to mistake the look on Cas's face or the tone of his voice.

"Cas?" his face scrunches up slightly, "No you haven't. You've been stuck with us since you returned to the bunker." Dean is speaking slowly and wondering if Cas misunderstood him or something.

"Yes, Dean. I have." Now Cas's features are twitching in slight annoyance at being questioned, "I love you."

There is dead silence and Dean is trying to wrap his mind around those three words. Very rarely have they ever been directed towards him and he can count the number of times he's said them on one hand. "You what?" it comes out stuttered and his eyes are wide. Cas had not said that. Didn't know what he'd said. There was absolutely no way.

"I. Love. You." Cas simply stares because for him it is the most obvious thing. There has never been a question about his feelings.

"I don't think you mean it like that Cas." Dean shifts and tries to regulate his breathing because they should really not be having this conversation in a diner. Especially with Sam staring at them. A glance to the side reveals one of the mushiest expressions on their waitress's face he's ever seen in his life.

"Yes I do." He turns his head and narrows his eyes. "I don't need you to tell me about my feelings or emotions, Dean. I _know _that I love you."

"You can't. Cas…" Dean swallows and stands up before moving towards the door leaving both Sam and Cas behind.

"Cas." Sam's voice is gentle and he watches as blue eyes turn from the retreating figure of his brother to fix on him.

"I know Sam." He slowly stands up and starts to follow Dean. Sees the hunter pacing in the parking lot in front of the Impala. His movements are jerky and Cas can see his lips moving. Knows what Dean is doing and he sighs.

Humanity has given him a new view on life and freewill. This time when he makes a mistake or does something it isn't so detrimental. Doesn't cause an untold amount of damage and if he's going to be a human, if he's going to die a human, then he's going to figure this out. He's going to take a chance because that woman wasn't what he wanted. He didn't even know why he'd slept with her but all he really wanted was Dean.

He moves across the parking lot and steps into Dean's path. Watches as green eyes widen and he can see the panic in them but also something else. Another emotion.

Reaching out Cas grips Dean's shoulder and after a brief pause he drags him close. Not for a kiss but a hug. He knows that's how Dean shows care. How he shows affection and can remember the hug he'd received in Purgatory. And the ones following. How he felt afterwards and wants to return the favor.

So Cas hugs Dean, feels how his stiff muscles relax, before the other man hugs him back. Cas holds it for a few moments and tries to push back the feeling of pain Dean's reaction is causing him. That Dean doesn't believe he's worthy of love. That he couldn't possibly love him.

Pulling back Cas makes sure to lock eyes with Dean. "I love you. I'm not going anywhere." His hands don't leave Dean's shoulders. He makes sure to watch it sink in and Cas can feel Dean's shoulders sagging under his hands.

"You're just going to leave again." Because that is Dean's biggest problem. The one thing he is so very sure of and he can't let himself do that again. "You'll get your wings back."

"I don't want them anymore." Cas closes the distance and kisses Dean. Soft and sure.


End file.
